Category Archives: Random Thought

Inspirational Facebook Posts

Despite what the title may say, I’m not going to list some inspirational facebook quotes or spew out inspirational garbage like a possessed public speaker. I’m here today to tell all you aspiring facebook philosophers to shut the hell up. That’s right ‘Nostradomus’ take you’re optimistic post about ‘giving life your own purpose” and re-purpose it in your anal cavity. Seriously, why do people feel the need to try to inspire others through facebook posts? Who do you honestly feel you are helping, other than your obviously depressed and attention-craving selves?

You know what I do when I’m feeling down in the dumps? I go on Facebook and hope that somebody had made a post about inner-beauty and hope. Do I really? No, but I know a few people on Facebook that wished that I would so that their status’ could get some more ‘likes.’ There’s this one kid that posts some optimistic not-so-insightful garbage on his facebook every couple hours or so. It’s usually along the lines of “you’re beautiful, give life you’re own purpose, smile, and all that jazz.” Everyday, it’s the same basic message. My question is: why let it be known to all of your peers that you are a sad-sack-son-of-a-bitch? It’s quite obvious that in order for this person to feel this was about themselves they need to post it on facebook. Good on ya’, bro. Good on ya‘.

Now it’s bad enough that this kid makes me feel bad for him over Facebook, but there’s always the same people liking his status’. I have come to the conclusion that he is a cult leader. He has to be, it has to be a cult of people that crave to hear this man-child’s awe-inspiring words of wisdom. Either that or it’s a support group for Facebook loners. Or a cult/support group/diet pill pyramid scheme. I found you out you bastard, and I’m reporting you and flagging all of your posts, you diet pill pyramid scheming support group cult leader. Eh, maybe I’ll just de-friend him. Yeah, that’ll teach ’em.

-Everyone’s Zero

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Being a Badass Loner

So this weekend, every single person that I hang out with in college left to go home. Which virtually left me all alone. Sad, I know. But, people go home for the weekend all the time here (mainly because my college is boring). Anyways, So I did everything by myself: I went to meals by myself, I went to the store by myself, I walked around by myself. I thought, man people are going to be seeing me by myself all the time, they are going to think I’m a loser.

Now you know how you get a negative thought about yourself, and then you decide you have to refute those thoughts with excuses, right? I did that, and my reason for being alone was simple: I was a badass loner. That’s right, I wasn’t with anybody because I was too busy walking around looking like I don’t give a shit. Why do I look like I don’t give a shit? Because I don’t give a shit about anybody but myself, I don’t have time to care about other people. Even if I did have people to hang around with, they’d just be a liability for when I engage in badass activities like walking away from explosions or firing two pistols at once in opposite directions with my arms outstretched, like if Clint Eastwood played Jesus in the Passion of the Christ. I’m a loose cannon anyways, one false move and I explode, man. If my friend was to say “hey you got ketchup on your shirt” I’d most likely go off on him, like a loose cannon would do. Yeah, it really was best that I had nobody around this weekend… It really was… On second thought, I probably should’ve went home as well.

Urinating in Public

Okay, let me rephrase that: urinating in a public bathroom. We all (well, except maybe those with public bathroom phobias) do it right? Of course we do! But nobody does it with much grace or class. Every public bathroom you’ll ever go to is going to be disgusting. Even the public bathrooms at nice restaurants have some hint of nastiness to them. You think “Oh wow! This is really nice they got tv’s in front of the urinals and the lighting is — OH MY GOD THERE IS SHIT ALL OVER THE WALLS!” Yeah, it happens all the time, believe me. It’s not the bathrooms fault that it’s disgusting, it’s the fault of the public potty patron’s. Some people simply don’t give a shit (well they do, it just might not end up in the toilet). Here at my small college, the bathrooms are pretty gross. But what’s even worse is that there are only about 3 to 4 stalls in each bathroom, so if you’re going, you can hear the person next to you going as well. Sometimes, you can just tell when someone is taking a piss, and they miss the toilet. You hear the splash of the toilet water, then you hear it against the porcelain, and sometimes, you hear it on the floor. One time, I was dropping a duece, and I actually saw pee go on the floor. What the hell? How could somebody have such awful aim? 

Gentlemen (I’d say ladies, but I’ve heard that ladies bathrooms are comparatively nice), It’s time we take a stand and make sure that the public bathroom is a safe and clean environment. We must watch our aim, lift up the toilet seat, and if we hear somebody piss on the floor or on the seat we will promtly enter their stall and punch them in the face! What do you say lads? It’s time to make the public bathroom a place for our children, our children’s children, and our sister in-laws annoying children to go to that bathroom and say “hey, this isn’t as bad as I thought.”

-Everyone’s Zero