So last night I watched the almost-newely-released horror movie Insidious. Let me start off by saying that I absolutely hate horror films. I’m man enough to admit that they scare the shit out of me and make me paranoid. Well, that didn’t make me feel any manlier by admitting that… Anyways, I watched it even though I didn’t really want to. For those of you who don’t know, Insidious is basically about some kid that astral-projects himself into some kind of hellish place and then (SPOILER) his dad astral-projects after him and saves him. So it’s explained later that the father used to astral project at night and go into this hellish place like his son did. He used to have night terrors as a child and he befriended some old bitch who (SPOILER) tries to take over his body and (SPOILER) actually does at the end. That’s a lot of spoilers, but who watches horror movies for the story anyways?
So I started to freak myself out like I usually do after watching horror movies. So, I somehow made this movie relate to my childhood. I used to have night terrors, and from what my parents tell me they were none too pretty. Not only that but as a kid I had imaginary “grandparents” and I knew places in California and Texas without ever being there. I knew everything about these “grandparents” and these places, and apparently it was quite freaky. I thought about this and I began to rationalize that I was INSIDIOUS’D! That’s right folks, these parasitic grandparents were trying to take my body, just like the kid in the movie. That has to be it. The reason for the night terrors? Those sons-of-bitches were luring me into the hellish “further” so they could snatch my body! Maybe they did? But it doesn’t make sense that they succeeded.
I used to be a rather unpleasant child while all this was going on, so would I not be a super unpleasant person now? If anything, I became way cooler and more chill when I got older. So, I came to the conclusion that Chris Farley came and INSIDIOUS’D me at a young age. That’s why I’m so damn funny, right? Isn’t that just so cool! Either that, or I just had too much sugar or something before I went to bed and I stopped being a brat when I grew up… No, I was INSIDIOUS’D by Chris Farley. Jealous?